Crossroads

Only a select few will get this seemingly disjointed post, but I am posting it just the same. Here I am again, after several months of being gone. Frankly, my journal is in my room and I'm too lazy to get up. So here I am, since apparently, there are some emotions that you just have to put into words. If you can't write it down using pen and paper, might as well blog about it.

This is a post about crossroads.

There are times that all the stars seemingly align and circumstances occur just to break the order that you have created for yourself. They are all good, and others may even see it as chances that you just cannot pass up. And they are right. There are some chances that you cannot pass up. But it could also mean letting in the possibility that the life you have envisioned for yourself is not going to be the life you are going to live. Just the possibility, mind you. Crossroads, remember?

The thought of choosing between two favorable options, I am realizing, is way harder than choosing between the lesser of two evils. I am inherently selfish, and for the most part of my life, seldom have I ever thought that I could have my cake but not eat it too. I have always thought that if you press hard enough, you can get what you want, and the next thing that you want, and the next thing after that. Alas, life, the great teacher, felt it apt that tonight was the night to teach me the lesson on choices-- that sometimes, you have to make a decision, choose between two lives that as a child you longed you would live. That is the great thing about being a child. You can think about the possibility of living many lives, imagine one life for one day, another the next. But growing up shows you that you cannot live two lives at a time. A few hours ago I was given a small peek at the life that I envisioned would be the perfect life for me three years ago--just a small, tiny peek at the possibility (not yet the reality, thank God!) But the incident got me thinking about all the possibilities, about the parallel world that would be created if I take one road instead of another, if ever I was given the chance. Would I take it?


I am very fortunate to have parents who never wanted to steer my life for me. They always went with my decisions and supported me all the way. Not all the time, but they were there when it mattered. And they were there when I made the decision to take up law. Now it seems like my 'balimbing' mind wants to go flying off to another direction again, and I can only wonder if my parents will still be as approving of my next move. A friend asked me, what I really wanted. I want both. Turns out you cannot have both. So I am a bit dreading the time when I'll find myself standing at the crossroads, when I need to make that decision that I could probably regret for the rest of my life. I am quite hoping that the moment at the crossroad never comes. Monday is a long way ahead. Perhaps a storm will come, shutting down all flights to the capital. Or perhaps, I will get a call, telling me that there is no need to come because the position has been filled. That way I leave this moment with no guilt, confident that it was not up to me, but up to fate. And who can argue with fate? It was simply not meant to be.

I want to cry when I think of all the opportunities that have passed me by. All the 'what if's' and all the possibilities. But it is true what they say, that for every road you take, you always have to take another. It is always up to you to make the best of the one you choose. And opportunities always abound. The question is knowing when to take one opportunity and knowing when to let one go, to pursue an even bigger challenge. In the end, I guess, it would always boil down to priorities. Times like these make you realize that you really need to sit down and identify what matters most, so that when its time to choose, you can choose the road you were meant to take.

2 comments:

Katmichelle said...

I know what this feels like. I also want two lives myself. And i'm torn between which road i should be passing through. both have clear pros and cons.

but you know what they say, carpe diem! this is the time to apply it. i think you really just have to try it and let it take you wherever it may go, 'cause you'll keep wondering about it for the rest of your life. i let go of an opportunity in the past and i still regret not taking that road until now.

go for it if you feel so strongly about this one. if by chance the position has been filled, that would be sad but i think you will be able to let go of that easily compared to not taking the chance at all.

joselle said...

Thanks for the encouragement Kat. I decided not to go. I don't know for some reason I'm ok, which is not what I expected. Cguro if this opportunity came knocking three years ago I would have been on the first plane. Pero sometimes time passes by, daun cguro I changed pod, so although the urge to write for a living is still there, I think I'm more pihikan now on where I choose to write from. And I realized that I know I will never be happy in Manila. If ever maacepted ko, the frenetic activity will just make me miserable, and I can't write and be happy about what I'm doing if I'm in a place where I don't want to be. Hay it's a big chance jud, and some even say people stay there bsan low pay just for the prestige, pero I don't know. Siguro now I know what I want. Nasilaw jud ko sa opportunity for a few moments kay three years ago it was everything I wanted. Pero cguro I changed. I don't know if I'll regret this sooner or later. Pero the upside to this kind of dilemma is that you also enjoy doing the alternative, so I guess there's no room for complaints. :)

 

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